It’s a plot to destroy the Jedi! or something…

So Pierre Curzi apparently said that he believes that there is a plot by the federal government against francophone players.

BS you say? Well, I’m not sure… I think i’ve finally figured out the inner-workings of this plot!

See…. Stephen Harper is a closet Leafs fan. As a Leafs fan, he automatically comes with a bias against the Habs. Every Leafs fan is born hating the Habs. Simple as that. I’m sure when he’s got nothing to do because he’s prorogued Parliament again, he sits around and plots the destruction of wild life reserves and the Habs. And puppies. Harper hates puppies.

Moving along… Harper clearly needs a break from all this scheming so he goes to Leafs games. At Leaf games he clearly drinks Molson beer.

Molson is obviously owned by the Molsons who obviously own the Habs. At some point Harper must have contacted the Molsons and told them that as The All Powerful PM And Future Ruler of the Universe (oh yeah, did I mention that he wants to rule the universe too? Well, he does), he’d shut down their business if they didn’t do what he wanted.

After coming up with an elaborate plot to sink Liverpool (with the help of the British who obviously are in on the plot too) which caused Gillett to put the Habs up for sale, Harper secretly handed over wads of cash to the Molsons so they could buy the team.

Now that the Molsons are in charge and doing the bidding of Harper “The All Powerful PM and Future Ruler of the Universe and Closet Leafs fan”, the wholesale destruction of a francophone Habs team has begun.

I mean, look at the team! There’s on “National” Hero Maxime Lapierre, Mathieu Darche and that Fake French Guy, BennyPoo.

As for the management… Boivin’s going next summer. And Gauthier is probably another Fake French Guy because he’s from Montreal and we all know that in reality, Montreal is full of Fake French Guys (you know like how countries plant spies in other countries? They may look like “one of us” but they’re not? Same deal) and…. Englishpeople (they’re just evil all the way around because they’re all British and the Brits still hate Quebec and they obviously want to re-take it. They’re out to steal our cider!).

And of course if the rumors that Gio is going to be the next captain are true, that only leads credence to the fact that the Americans are in on the plot too. They just couldn’t let go of the War of 1812, I guess. They’re out to get us too! Beware the short American. They’re the most dangerous.

So there we have it. Scary, huh?

*marches off to get her tinfoil tuque*

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3 Responses to It’s a plot to destroy the Jedi! or something…

  1. Grrrreg says:

    Ooooh, I think you uncovered something huge. I hope Harper and all his clique won’t discover your real identity. Beware, they are probably watching this blog as we speak!!

    And I thought Bettman wanted to rule the universe too! Is he scheming his own rival little plot, or is he also associated with Harper/TheMolsons/TheBrits/TheFakeFrench/TheEnglishPeopleFromMontreal/TheAmericans???

  2. Shan says:

    I thought Harper was an Oilers/Sens fan. Your theory still holds up.

    *puts on tinfoil tuque*

  3. Grrreg – eh, good question about Bettman. I haven’t figured that out yet :P

    Shan – Flames/Leafs fan *nods*

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