Let the cuts begin! + bed time story. Kinda.

….because seriously, the Hammies need a team to send to Scotland, yes?! They have nobody to take with them right now. And how exactly do you beat the baby Leafs when you have no team in which to beat them? Exactly. YOU NEED A TEAM TO WIN. And you need those epically awesome Hammies to do it. Okay? Okay.

Now that we’ce settled that one……… Might I ask the lovely people of Montreal to PLEASE CALM DOWN. C’mon, it’s a PRESEASON game. A game in which the Habs still haven’t put their full roster on the ice. A game in which the announcers and Sens fans would LOVE to have count but won’t count.

And do NOT tell me that the Booins beat us 8-0 in the preason and then decimated us in the regular season. Just don’t say that. Yes, you Booins fans lurking around here. I MEAN YOU.

ANYWAY!

The few things that were downright ugly and I don’t want to see being carried into the regular season are:

  • odd man rushes. Seen enough of those last year. Didn’t like them.
  • Special teams fail. Seen enough of that last year too. Fix it.
  • idiotic penalties. Who do you think you are? The Flyers?! Stop it.
  • O’Byrne fighting. Don’t do it. Please.
  • I had no cider.

What I did like (and yes, there was stuff to like so stuff it and continue reading):

  • Patches destroying Kovy. Patches has been smashing up his own potential teammates for the last two weeks. It was awesome that he finally got to smash up the opposition. And hey, Kovy is one of THEM now, so he’s fair game.
  • Johannson… Johansson… Johan… whatever. You know who I mean.
  • um yeah… there might’ve been something else but I can’t really think of it

And now…. Before I leave you all so you may go and do something more productive. Here is a bedtime story. Seriously. A certain sleepy Bruins fan demanded a story. So I obliged. Kinda.

***** BED TIME STORY ******

There once was a kid called Briere. He was a midget who thought he was so awesome. Not that midgets aren’t awesome. I’m short. And awesome. Kinda. Maybe. Whatever. Moving on. One day he somehow found his way onto a team called the Flyers. We’re not sure HOW he got on the team. Only that he did. He used his teammates as body guards when they were off the rink. ANYWAY. The only thing you need to know about the Flyers it that they’re orange. And have a weird symbol on their shirts. ANYWAY. One day Briere the Midget decided that he wanted to take on the Evil Leafs of Toronto. It was a stupid idea because the Leafs had magically turned into goons over the summer. Kinda like how people turn into wolves at full moon, you know? But being the new dictator of the Flyers that he was, he 1) had no idea what he was talking about and 2) still abused his rights as supreme dictator of the Flyers anyway and made them all go on this little expedition.

When the Flyers arrived to face the Evil Leafs, they appeared to be well prepared. They fought long and hard with the Leafs. Throwing punches every which way. Seriously. In the midst of battle when all seemed lost, Briere the Midget found an open space (well, when you’re that short, there’s a lot of space) and grabbing the magic black disk of doom he threw it into the net behind The King of the Failtenders. At that moment it looked like the Flyers would have the victory. They looked unbeatable. The Leafs looked positively dejected. Ready to give up.

It was at this moment – right when Briere the Midget and his troops thought they had the victory – that their dear leader did something horrendously stupid. He tripped up one of the Leafs top generals. Of course it was a complete accident because the Leaf didn’t see Briere running around his feet, but fall he did. And as he fell, he landed right on top of Briere the Midget. Squashing him to death.

It didn’t take the troops on both sides long to realize that the Flyers leader was dead. And suddenly the Leafs found new energy. They attacked the suddenly disoriented Flyers. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! The Flyers fell one by one until only Boucher the Floppy Goalie was left. He didn’t last long either. As Khadri came running towards him, he ran away, back to Flyers country to tell of what happened. And that was the end of the Flyers.

Now every town herald in the wicked land of Toronto will be proclaiming their victory and thinking they now have a shot at winning the much revered Stanley Cup. The Holy Grail of Hockey. The Shiny. With this victory over the Flyers, it would now only be a matter of time before the Shiny returned to Leafsland….

In their flipping dreams, maybe.

But yeah.

Whatever.

Leafs stink.

The lesson learned here is that if you’re a Briere, don’t get stepped on at the most inconvient time. Seriously.

The End.

***

In other news:

  • Leafs beat the Flyers. Bet you didn’t guess that one.
  • BingySens beat the Wilksiewhatsits Pens.
  • Caps beat the Hawks in OT. Missed it all.
  • Juniors got beat up by the Huskies and their awful goal horn. Guh. Stop putting jet lagged goalies in nets. Jeez. And someone teach the guys on Team990 how to say Berube’s name.
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