A year in the life of EP

Well… not quite. But being April 12th, it’s my official hockey birthday today so I figured instead of whining about our Canadiens/Boston matchup in reverse, I’d do something else… namely, prove just how ignorant I was last year about hockey.

EP Last Year (I really did say these things, if in a slightly different way)

  • Hmm… so we’re supposed to be how good?
  • First in the conference. Gotcha. Whoo! What’s a conference?
  • Okay… so remind me just how bad Boston is supposed to be?
  • Why does Boston look awful?
  • Who’s that guy?
  • Kovawhat?
  • Ko-va-lev? My tongue doesn’t move in such a way that could pronounce that.
  • Back to the game. How much longer?
  • Whoa wait… there’s how many minutes in a period?
  • 20? Gotcha.
  • Who’s that? No. THAT one. The guy that just disappeared off the screen. There. THAT one. No.. THAT ONE!
  • Andrei….who?
  • Say that again. Kostitsyn? What the heck kind of name is that?
  • Okay. Wait. There’s two of them? Who’s who?
  • Where’s Koivu?
  • Of course I know who Koivu is darnit! He’s that Finnish guy who had had cancer. Wait. He was Finnish and not Swedish, right? But which one is he?!
  • I don’t see a number 11. Actually, I can’t follow this game at all. Too fast.
  • My head hurts… Game is going way too fast….
  • Who’s the goalies again?
  • Carey Price and who? Tim Thomas. Tim Thomas? There’s something very odd about having a first name for a last name….. Okay….. Did you just say Carey Price? Who calls their kid Carey? Poor guy….
  • Why is the play stopping?
  • Icing…? What the heck is that?
  • That’s a stupid rule.
  • What happened? What happened?!!! Oh we get a power play! What’s that? Uhuh…Whatever, not listening. Bring on the game!
  • NOOOOOO BRUINS SCORE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
  • What do you mean there’s a lot of time left to win the game?! There’s like… 20 minutes left!
  • What do you mean it only takes a few seconds to score? Whatever. *mopes*
  • Whaaaaaaah… time ran out! Time ran out! Now what?
  • Over time? What is that and how do you win it?
  • Sudden death?! These rules suck!
  • OOOH! GOAL! I think? Yes? I dunno. They’re celebrating. Must be a goal. YAY! WE WIN! Whooo!
  • Are they singing in there…. wherever there is? The Bell thingy?
  • Flyers suck *nods* Why? Because I said so! And Biron is driving me nuts. DIE FLYERS!
  • Oh Penguins! Are they any good?
  • Crosby who? Never heard of him.
  • What do you mean he’s like the savior of the league? Who the hell came up with that one?
  • I like the other guy better… No. The Russian guy. Malkin. Yeah.
  • And Fleury. Because he’s bucket loads better than Biron *nods*
  • DIE FLYERS!

EP This Year

  • So we’re supposed to be how goood?
  • Yeah, right. No way we’re ending up first in the conference this time
  • Remind me again, how bad Boston is supposed to be? Right. So why the heck are they are so damn good now?!
  • You know, Boston’s jerseys look terrible, right…..? Especially in that horrendous third jersey….
  • Who is that guy? Yes that guy skating around like he’s bored out of his mind! Turn around damnit so I can see your number!
  • Kovalev! KNEW IT! I mean….I like him and all but man… WAKE UP KOVY! C’mooon! Does Bob need to have another talk with you?
  • You know we’re saying Kovalev’s name wrong…. One day I’ll show you the video.. .It’s like how everyone blows up Ovechkin’s name….
  • Back to the game. How much longer?
  • Still a whole 20 minutes?!!!
  • Where Andrei Kostitsyn?!
  • You said it wrong. Kah-tsee-tsin. Yes, I’m pretty sure it’s right. He’s from Belarus. Yes, I said Belarus. Not Russia.
  • Where’s little brother Sergei gone now?
  • No… Andrei is number 46. Sergei is 74. Yes, Sergei is younger. What do you mean you can’t tel them apart? EASY!
  • Koivu? Koivu….? Hello? Where are you?
  • People need to give the poor guy some credit. No more ragging on him for his lack of French skills. He does so much for this team…
  • *sighs* Yes, he’s Finnish. He’d be called Mats Sundin or Daniel Alfredsson if he was Swedish….. Koivu=Finnish. Sundin=Swedish. Alfredsson=twerp.
  • I don’t see him skating around though. He looks invisible tonight…..
  • My head hurts… this game is boring me to tears….*snores*
  • Skate faster you twerps! FASTER! PICK IT UP!
  • Who’s in nets?
  • Price. Good choice. But seriously, who calls their kid Carey? Poor guy. And Tim Thomas. Boo, you know Thomas only looks good because of his team, right?
  • HEY! THAT WAS SO ICING, YOU IDIOTIC REFS! GORGES TOUCHED THE DAMN PUCK! Gah….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Powerplay time! Good! Wow… that PP sucked….
  • $%&*(*&%$#@@#$ *^%$#@!@#$^ Bruins score………… Damn the Bruins…. #$%^&*((*&^%$#$%^&*………………………………..
  • Stop whining. There’s plenty of time left on the clock. Try a whole period.
  • OT here we come!
  • I still don’t like this rule too much…. but it’s hockey darnit….
  • OH GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL! WE WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELL YEAH!
  • OLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! OLAY OLAY OLAY!
  • Flyers su…. Today Flyers are good. Why? Because I said so. And Biron is driving me nuts. He likes to pretend he’s a sieve. It’s his favorite pasttime.
  • Ugh Penguins…
  • *sticks Crosby the voodoo doll with pins*
  • Savior of the league. Pfft. Who the hell came up with that one? Oh right. Gary Bettman.
  • I like the other guy better. No the Russian guy. Ovechkin. Yeah. Sorry Malkin.
  • And Fleury. Still like Fleury. And he’s still better than Biron.
  • That being said….GO FLYERS!
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3 Responses to A year in the life of EP

  1. Grrrreg says:

    I love this!Going from “Who’s that? No. THAT one. The guy that just disappeared off the screen. There. THAT one. No.. THAT ONE!” to “You said it wrong. Kah-tsee-tsin. Yes, I’m pretty sure it’s right. He’s from Belarus. Yes, I said Belarus. Not Russia.” in one year is impressive.

  2. Number31 says:

    Woo! It’s easy to learn hockey in one year :D

  3. =D Still not sure how I didn’t know what icing was…. o.O

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