If I were a cannibal….

…..which for the records, I’m not, but if I was, here’s who I’d be eating right now:

  • Andy Murray (the tennis player). I’m sorry but you bug me a lot, Mr. Murray. And I don’t like you beating Federer and I don’t like you saying that you can beat him any time you feel like it. I doubt that you would taste very good, and you’re still bony, but what the heck….
  • Christiano Ronaldo because you’re arrogant, you make waaaay too much money, and you play for Man U which I find the most annoying of all. A Ronaldo sandwich sounds really nice right about now.
  • Ron Wilson. He coaches the Leafs. ’nuff said. I doubt there’d be anything good to eat here but I’d figure out something.
  • I’d eat Brian Burke too but he looks too sour to eat……too bad…..
  • Cory Clouston because I can’t spell your name to save my freaking life (sad, I know) and you coach the Sens. And they are responding to you, therefore you need to be eaten. Hartsburg gets spared because he couldn’t get the players motivated and they were losing. Thanks Craig!
  • Daniel Briere. I have been exceptionally lucky in that I haven’t had to see your face at all this year, but you’re on my list of people to eat anyway. I think you’d be perfect in a pie. You know, a la Sweeney Todd.
  • John Stevens. I’ve been dying to eat you since last year. Although I’d definitely not eat that clipboard that you carry around with you. Not good for the digestive system, you know?
  • Benoit Brunet. If I wasn’t able to tune you out so easily, I would be completely turned off RDS because of you. Stop being annoying or else I’ll turn you into stew.
  • All of the Bruins. I’d have to buy an extra large pot to put Chara in but it can be done.
  • Marian Hossa. Didn’t like you ditching the Pens like that. I would have picked Detroit as my favorite Western Conference team in the playoffs, but since you joined them, I changed my mind to San Jose. You get turned into a pie too.
  • Crosby because he’s been annoying me a lot for some reason. Oh and please be sure to wear that puffy blue jersey. Those need to be eaten too.
  • Oh and I’d threaten the entire Habs team with being eaten if they don’t smarten up right now. The only get who would get spared my wrath would be Lang because rule number 274547 is that you always like the guy who’s career could have just ended in a quite tragic manner (even if you didn’t like him before). And guys who are liked get to be spared being turned into a pie. Sorry, Carbo, you get left out of the likeable list.
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